Race Plan: The Dark Side
Night before have a steak dinner, black beans and rice and a couple of pints. Go out dancing with drunk college students and get to bed by Midnight. Wake up at 3am for a couple of bowls of high fiber cereal and six donuts. A big glass of prune juice just to keep things moving. A quickie with partner (trying not to wakeup athletic supporters sharing the room with us!) and back to sleep until 6am.
Jog over to race start at 6:45am. Realize I forgot my prescription goggles. Screw it, I will just swim without goggles. Before race starts, finish off quart of prune juice and a couple of protein bars. Decide to accelerate loss of post taper weight gain by cleansing rest of day. Only drinking water with lemon juice and hot sauce the rest of the day. Should be svelte by the end.
Work my way to the front of the mass start swim. I find it easier to let everyone swim over me than trying to swim over them. The harder I kick the less the people will attempt to ride my ass. Race starts and I will sprint the first half mile. After which, I will roll onto my back and watch the pros exit the water as they finish their 2.4 miles. Slow and steady zigzag to the end (doubling my actual swim mileage).
Trot out of the water and attempt to take off my wetsuit while looking like a clubbed baby seal. Remember to put fake blood in wetsuit before swim starts. Go to transition area. Change clothes, make a dry cappuccino, pose for pictures and stretch. Half hour later start bike ride.
Ignore powermeter and ride like hell the first hour. Drink nothing except liquid cleanse. Sprint up every hill. Coast downhill and flats. Ignore rest stops. Throw salt pills at spectators who yell almost there. If anyone is left on the course, draft in a final attempt to get disqualified. Ring bike bell at anyone I pass. Finish bike 10 hours later with crotch rot and broken hamstrings.
Walk bike last mile. Enter transition area pretending to be bitter and broken. Yell for a medic and beg for an IV (with the cleansing liquid). Beg for someone to disqualify me. Did anyone see how much I drafted? Yell that I doped before the race and want to be tested and disqualified. Resigned to my fate, I drink more cleanser, attempt to bend over to put on running shoes and drink another cappuccino. Swear repeatedly at anyone attempting to help me. Bitch slap race official and start marathon.
Sprint first mile pretending I am on second loop. See if it is even possible to cheat. At rest stops, yell at volunteers and remind them I am fasting. Tell walkers that road kill looks pretty compared to them. Count everyone I pass in the loudest voice possible…lie by starting the count at 100. Mile 9 curl up at the side of road in fetal position and take a brief nap with homeless person. Give some kid a $20 to get us both an espresso.
Get up and try to run. If that doesn’t work, try running backwards. Real women crawl right? Decide to sprint every hundred yards while yelling that I am setting a PR. Pretend it is not dark and close to midnight. Stop begging race officials with “who do I have to blow around here to close the course early.” Finish race five minutes after cut off while frothing at the mouth and yelling that I will never do it again.
Drink beer, eat fried food, smoke cigarettes, consider sleeping with a guy. Go to sleep. Get up and register for next year.